Sure, It Matters.

2012-01-02T21:59:00.000-08:00

Sexual Conundrums: Masturbating

2011-04-11T15:35:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the first post from our new column, "Sexual Conundrums"! Here we will discuss everyone's favorite general topic: SEX. More specifically, we want to create a public space for debate on specific sexual instances. We will begin with one of the most early and basic sexual functions: masturbation.

SCENARIO: You are masturbating in your room, your friend's bathroom, your parents' bedroom (because they have the other TV with cable and it's 1999) or any other suitable private space when the embarrassing happens, someone walks in.

DEBATE: After the shame has set in and the moment is far enough away, one may begin to dwell on their experience. Some basic questions may arise: Why didn't I mute the TV? How could I not have heard them? Why were they walking so quietly anyways? Did my brother/sister/parent want to see my masturbating? One could go on forever. However, the most important question is how can that two minutes of pleasure be defined? Masturbation was surely taking place, but in the end it did not take place; the act was cut short. Is there a proper term for this enigmatic period of time?

FURTHER READING: Masturbation has frequently been defined as the act of playing sexually with your equipment, and the separate terms "ejaculation" or "orgasm" have been assigned to the climax of the act. However, no one speaks of their private sexual experience as "masturbation, followed by ejaculation/orgasm", they just say they "masturbated". Some suggested terms for the act of masturbation without orgasm are: "bachelorbating", "cum-fishing", and "playing with your penis because it feels good". However, these don't seem adequate, and seem too gender specific. Help!

What do you think? Any suggestions? Please comment!

MINI MUSINGS: Less Common/Appropriate Bro-isms

2010-12-08T00:29:00.000-08:00

"Broman Polanski" - When a bro is being a pervert, or in presumably rare instances, directing a movie too.

"Bro Buck" - This is a bro who feels the need to narrate every situation he's in. He also has a lot of prepared one-liners.

"Bro-creator" - A Christian bro who got married just so he could have sex, and subsequently ends up with a lot of kids in the first few years of marriage.

"A Bro Left of the Murder" - A bro who likes every record a band puts out based on one or more good releases.

"Brotein Shake" - You get this one, right?

Robin Williams: Self-Aware?

2010-04-14T15:41:00.001-07:00

While most great comedy comes at the sake of the comic's ability to forget one's self and sacrifice dignity and respectability for the audience, one comic's freakish ability to transform himself begs the questiton: Is Robin Williams self-aware?

Webter's defines the term "self-aware" as: having self-knowledge; self-consciousness; being self-cognizant. Does world-famous comedian Robin Williams possess any of these attributes? Let us examine.

The following clip is from an interview on Late Night with David Letterman:

Notice that for not one moment does the comedian seem aware that the questions he is being asked require cognizant and at least somewhat related answers. Occasionally, Williams begins by repeating some of the words found in the questions, but follows with ramblings that are at times in-cohesive and violently strange. In the same way that an animal (with the exception of dolphins, certain monkeys, and elephants) are only capable of their instinctive behaviors, Williams acts in a similar manner.

Dog owners often feel connected to their pet because at times, the dog seems able to communicate back to its owner. In reality, the dog is only acting out of instinct and learned behaviors in order to preserve its self and its standard of known life. Robin Williams appears to exhibit the exact same behaviors, only on a human level.

Another prime example is found in part 2 of this interview (which can be viewed immediately after part 1 by clicking the link in the same video box). Letterman begins part 2 by essentially asking Williams to recognize himself as human, but Williams again appears incapable of doing so.

MINI MUSINGS: Things that should be Free

2010-02-15T15:39:00.001-08:00

Doors
Certain pies
Rollerblades
Lighters
Provolone cheese
Remaining VHS tapes
White t-shirts
Maps
Lanterns

The Nuisance to Taste Ratio

2009-12-22T15:32:00.000-08:00

While many foods are rather delicious, the process of eating some requires elements of sacrifice and endurance. Ponder the effort it takes to eat a single french fry compared to the process of consuming a grape fruit or an orange. It is up to each individual to decide whether or not the nuisance involved with eating a certain food can be overshadowed by the taste of it.

The Nuisance to Taste Ratio formula is simple: Divide your taste rating of a given food on a scale of 1 to 7* by the average amount of seconds required to eat the food. If your NTR score is above 1.0, the food should be strongly considered for consumption. If it is below, the food should be reevaluated as a reasonable option.

PRACTICE PROBLEM:

If your biological mother buys you dill pickle flavored sunflower seeds at a gas station, on the way to your stepmother's house, should you eat this common road trip snack food? Let's assume that you are a reasonable individual and you give the seeds a taste rating of 3.1. You estimate your skill at cracking open sunflower seeds with your tongue based on your jr. high girlfriend's comments about your disgusting kissing style, and you figure each seed would take you around 8 seconds to eat.

3.1/8 = .39 NTR SCORE.

Therefore, since your NTR score is below 1.0, you probably shouldn't waste your time on the sunflower seeds. Besides, you're almost to your stepmother's house and she probably ordered pizza from that shitty local place again instead of Pizza Hut.

(Controversial NTR foods include smores, sushi, and candy necklaces.)

*A scale ranging from 1 to 7, rather than 1 to 10, provides for more thoughtful analysis by making it more difficult to estimate the exact percentage associated with a respective rating. Everyone knows that 2/10 is 20%, but probably thinks, "Uuuh, fuck." when trying to figure out the percentage of 2/7.

Post-Bathroom Handwashing as a Checkpoint

2009-12-22T15:18:00.000-08:00

Washing your hands after each trip to the restroom is probably a good idea, but not necessarily for the prevailing reasons. Consider this: Unless you are Usher or that Shamwow guy, the amount of dirty surfaces your penis touches pales in comparison to the number of dirty surfaces your hands touch. If anything, one's hands are dirtying one's penis. Try thinking of each bathroom visit (urinations only) as a checkpoint for daily handwashing rather than a necessity following each penis touch.

As a general rule, the first post-shower urination does not require a handwashing. After all, for the average non-neanderthal male, his penis has been safely tucked away in a clean pair of underpants, automatically making it cleaner than his hands. For even more handwashing-free urinations, try washing your penis with a warm, soapy washcloth after your first post-shower urination.

Further, if you or any of your male counterparts frequently wear pants with an elastic waist, going hands-free for the pee and skipping the hand wash all day is a great way to save the planet too! And that is precisely why it matters.

Does it really, though?

2009-12-21T16:43:00.000-08:00

Greetings!

You have just entered into a deep and majestic valley of the world-wide interwebs. What will follow this congratulatory note will be a plethora of meaningful, thought-provoking, and idealistic posts regarding the world around us. Please enjoy, and remember, there is literally no discussion not worth having, no connundrum too minor to dismiss, no quarry too minute to solve. Let us begin!